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dorothy

October 2009

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dorothy

Fear

     I need to vent and I have no reason to believe anybody ever reads this.
     My beloved husband and I are coming up on our second anniversary in August.  Today he had a biopsy; he has a tumor on his pancreas.
     If it turns out to be cancer (won't know for sure till Friday) I don't know  what that's going to mean, but I know it's not good.
     I want so badly to live in the moment; take things a day at a time & stay positive.  I don't want to poison whatever time we have together (whether it's a lot or a little) with fear and sadness and negativity.
    But I'm so scared.  It's hard to believe I did without him for so long, and harder to imagine how I can bear to be out in the cold gray desert alone again.  Kicking and screaming is how I will let go of him! 
     I'm too upset to talk to anybody about this.  I've alienated my old friends with my wacky Wiccan ways and recent tendency to own what I know and speak my truth; I'm no longer willing to accept friendship without respect.  It doesn't feel like love when it's being given in spite of who you are instead of because of who you are.  I'm sort of detached from my birth family for pretty much the same reason.  I would rather do without acceptance and affection than have to pretend to be someone else to get them. 
     When I get my balance and figure out how I'm going to get through this one, I will probably open up to one of several people who I know would be very willing to offer support.  But right now I'm too overwhelmed to do anything but shut down and stay stoned.
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